Skate Pope

There's some shit going on outside

2005-04-02T23:07:00.000+02:00

Holy fuck! I don't know what to tell you all. When I came to there was this dude in a dress trying to crack open my fuckin head with a hammer. Next thing, I got him by his fuckin poncy beads and I'm trying to beat the fuckin truth out of him.

'Leave me alone, leave me alone' - he's startin' to whimper now - 'I'm just doin' what you aksed.'

So I let him off, and he tells me about the hammer you got to batter tha fuck out of the Pope with, to tell he's dead. Hit him three times, and if he doesn't scream or beat tha fuck out of you, you're in tha clear. And you save on callin tha fuckin doctor, who's not cheap round tha fuckin Vat.

I was so stoned I couldn't even talk for, like a year or some shit. They tried to wheel me out during mass last week (it was some sort of important shit, apparently) and I could barely say shit. I think I coughed or somethin, and an ould one in the front row thought it was her dead husband speaking thru God speakin through me. And I thought I was on some powerful shit, baby.

So, then they try to stick a feed tube up my ass, and no dice. They decide I'm dead. They dig out the hammer to see if it's true. Guy in the dress tells me he was on hit number two. One more, and no reaction, I would a been officially dead. Same thing happened wit Jesus.

I tells tha guy in the dress to go fuck himself, takes the hammer, and goes to see my flock.

Across the square, out my window, thousands of peeps blubbing over some Polish fnubsnaggler. It's anough ta make you wanna go skate for a few days - chill out while they find a legit successor to that phoney throne. I'll be in the South Central Roma skatepark if anyone wants me - don't try callin until ya see the white smoke ya plocksniffers!

What tha fuck was that?

2004-08-28T12:02:00.000+02:00

Woke up last nite in the pontifical scratcher, baby, you know what I'm sayin'. Hear this clinky clankin' downstairs, so I pick up one of those big-ass pope metal things with Jesus on them and shit and creep down tha stairs.

I took the metal Jesus thing cos it could beat the fuck out of someone if they were tryin to fuck with tha Pope. No one does that. The Jesus stick was real heavy in my hand, you know?

I looks out the window and see this fuckin guy on a BMX and his friend has found an altar we were throwing out. It was in a skip outside. It just didn't cut it in Pope-terms anymore. It was slowing down mass. I can show you the figures and diagrams if you want, YOU FUCK! It was all on the up- and-up, for sure.

Anyway, this other guy, a kid, snotnose little bastard, was crouched down and was trying to fuck my fuckin' altar! Do you know the kind of disrespect this shows for tha Pope? A FUCKIN LOT! I been laid up in tha hopsital for weeks after tha spill I took off tha roof of the Vat, now some clown's having intercourse with my furniture!

Needless to say that chubby fuck Cardinal Tomas O'Shea was nowhere to be seen.

I grabbed the punk and slung him across the yard into the inflatable paddling pool, then beat him to within an inch of his life with the Jesus stick, then stuck his shoes in his mouth and kicked him out the gate after givin him a wedgie. That's him learned!

The Skatepope is available for after-dinner talks and bar mitzvahs.

Yo!

2004-08-07T13:30:00.000+02:00

Yo! Fuck!

My story

2004-07-09T10:48:00.000+02:00

Dis time I been spendin' in hopsital is givin' me a period to reflect on stuff. You know: bitchez I've boned and shit.

So I've started writin' my otto biography, assholes! Cardinal Tomas O'Shea's the holy ghost-writer on this shindig. I can't write it: my arms are broke ta fuck, and they're covered in plaster up ta my pits. Arm. You dig?

So, it's all gonna be about me, da skatepope, and will be illustrated with photos of cool ollies I did. I know you'll all buy this piece of shit. Later.

Laid up pretty bad

2004-06-26T13:10:00.000+02:00

Took a spill off the roof of the Vat the other day. That's fucked up! Cardinal Tomas O'Shea, that blobby asshole, bet me I couldn't skate the dome.

I says to him: "I'm the fuckin' dome skater, bring it on ass-for-brains!"

When I fell 200 feet and hit the floor he started blubbin' like a pussy.

So, the Cardinal's takin' over some of my business affairs, at least until my broken spine heals. Damn cast's starting to itch.

The Skatepope is not available for after dinner speaking until further notice.

Frontin? Fuck y'all

2004-06-21T19:40:00.000+02:00

Some bitch-ass motherfuckers been frontin on this site, sayin things about da Pope that are way out of order, actually. What do I say to y'all? Meet you in front of the Vatican for a skate-off, then we'll have a full measure of our respective values skate-wise. For sure.

So, the fuckin plan is this: get your board and get yo' ass on a plane. See you in St Peter's squah on Sunday morning at 11. I skate your ass into the ground, then I go say mass. It's simple: you're fucked.

Danza, this goes for you too!

The skatepope has left the building.

Whoa, Now That's Fucked up!

2004-06-17T12:23:00.000+02:00

Jesus, Skatepope got food poisoning from eating two day old burritos tha otha day! Fuck! I was like a shit fountain, man, for real!

First of all, I was skatin down tha pipe with some of the fathers and Cardinal Tomas O'Shea, and he was like: 'Dude, you look fuckin' green' or some shit, and I was like: 'I think I'm going to spew'.

So he stood back like he was giving me space to hurl. Then he kicked me in tha balls. Fuck!

So he starts laughin his head off like some crazy fuckin lizard.

That's when I got the shits. Everyone else starts runnin like there's a volcano of shit erupting. There was, in a way.

Truly fucked up - a pair of Dickies, fuckin destroyed. A tear.

The skatepope has left the building.

Yo, leave me alone assboarder!

2004-06-14T21:05:00.003+02:00

Got home last nite from a session with tha boyz and found a fax for me from Tony Danza. Just to remind you: he's an asshole no-talent bum.

His fax told me to go screw myself. Well screw you! You were bullshit in Taxicab Driver dickwad! Plus, your drawing of me naked is painfully inaccurate!

The skatepope has left the building.

Hey Fat Man, Dance for me!

2004-06-13T16:25:00.000+02:00

Choppered in to the Phoenis Park in Dublin, Ireland to see tha Chilliz! Awesome gig: fuckin bass explosions and all that shit. Crowd surfed my way all over tha fuckin park, kicking heads all the way.

Chillis, you're tha fuckin shit!

Those fat fucks in Radiohead supported the Chillis. The lead singer guy is nearly as fat as my doob brother Cardinal Tomas O'Shea. So ya see how fat he is. Radiohead did their song from that kick ass Fight Club movie, but didn't do 'Creep'.

Fuckin' band that were meant to show never did: tha Pixies, some Irish fuckin crew by all accounts - probably got wasted and couldn't leave their fuckin crib!

Made out with this hot bitch Ashley. She started to freak out when I said something about my bishop, then started screaming: 'Don't tell Eric!'

This skater kid that was hanging around trying to talk to this bitch jumped on me and tried to hit me with his fuckin backpack.

Whupped his ass...

The Skatepope has left the building.

The Radioheads

Mass sucks tha fat one

2004-06-07T22:37:00.000+02:00

Hey peeps. Got fucked up roundabout Saturday night - chasin' pussy and smokin' shit - you know what I'm taking about. Hit tha sack then surfaced about noon and my cardinals are shoutin' me down bein' A-holes to the max. I was like: 'Dudes! Chill!' Then they were cool, cos I'm tha fuckin' Pope and they realised their asses were on the line.

So the night spent tryin' to touch base wi' some honeys meant that I was fucked up for mass the next day. I'm sittin on the stage or whatever, and everybody's like lookin' for leadership from me - what the fuck am I, God's representative on earth or some shit? Anyway, stood up too quick and started gettin' the cold sweats. Had to crawl over to behind the Jesus statue and puke my fuckin' ring.

Bitch ass.

But, I am the Pope. I can do whatever the fuck I want.

The Skatepope has left the building.

Yo, assholes

2004-06-05T19:56:00.000+02:00

Some assholes been posting comments and playin' havoc wit' my art. Got a message for y'all: fuck y'all. Start fuckin' hiding, cause I'm gonna find yo asses.

Hi to Jon Maplethorn. Don't fuckin' take that shit from Eric. What kind of fuckin' name is that anyway - it's just Cira backwards. And Ashley's a crack ho' - I should know, I boned her momma last night.

The Skatepope has left the building.

Cardinal, you're the fuckin' shit

2004-06-05T19:48:00.000+02:00

Man, was I telling you how I like to get fucked up? Well, shit, I drank a fuckin' forty earlier, then smoked a J with Cardinal Tomas O'Shea. He's a good guy, but he fuckin' walks like a fairy. Like that, can ya see what I'm sayin'?

Man, I was so fucked up. I thought I could fly or some shit. Then, I jump on my board and I'm like dicin' with traffic in Central Romeo, like I'm fuckin' Vin Diesel or shit.

Then, I'm just cruisin' along checkin' out the titties on some local bitches. Maaaaan, those fuckin' bitches, like fuckin' candy or some shit. I don't see this car headin' straight for me.

I take a spill, and roll into the middle of the road.

Man, that was a blast.

Later.

The Skatepope has left the building.

We Get Fucked-up!

2004-06-05T14:26:00.000+02:00

Me and my fuckin' homiez. Hangin' with the cardinals earlier, but bored ta fuck, so jumped in the Popewing and swung over to UCD Belfield Dublin 4. It's a pretty stank-ho place, but it's pure poontang for a badass skater. I got a boner just thinkin' about grindin' down one of those rails on my board. For sure.

But this asshole clown in a suit comes out of nowhere and is all like 'You gotta get out of here'. And I'm like 'Who says?'; and he says 'GO!' like I'm some sort of criminal. It made me sad.

But then I'm like: 'I'm the fuckin' Skatepope.' And he's like 'Well fuck off back to Rome then.'

He called me a pussy and said I wear a dress.

I found his car, then spat on it.

The Skatepope has left the building.

Tony Danza ain't no Mack Daddy!

2004-06-05T13:34:00.000+02:00

Danza been bustin' my chops, callin' me a no good Polack sonzabitchez. Well he (Tony Danza, star of Scorsese movie 'Whoze da fuckin' Bozz' can go try a 180 off the popemobile if he thinks he's that muthafuckin' good.

Bitch ass sonzabitchez, das all dey are!

He's fuckin' with my shit; ain't no lie.

Check out Danza's tinny wienerblog here.

The Skatepope has left the building.

Bitch be frontin' in this particular Polaroid

Bitch Ass!

2004-06-05T13:09:00.000+02:00

Yo, just been skatin at the Vatican with Skeet and Scooter. We fucked around a lot, throwin some Ollies, but mainly tryin to fuck the Vatican security off. Spat on a window. Fuckin' awesome!

Later.

The Skatepope has left the building.